My friend, T, called me the other morning, distraught. It seems T’s significant other had just walked out, very upset, and was about ready to break up. The trouble was, T had no idea what led to this. There had been some joking the night before, and the next thing T knew, it turned into a giant kerfuffle.
“Chicks are like that,” I consoled. “They fly off the handle for no apparent reason and storm off. Just calm down, and wait it out. That’s what we dudes have to do. I bet by the end of the day, your chick will be acting like nothing even happened.”
“We dudes have no idea why chicks do that,” I explained. “But we know from experience that they do, and we shouldn’t take it personally, because it has nothing to do with us. That behavior is just part of being a chick. And dealing with it is just part of being a dude.”
The twist here is that T is a woman. She’s totally a dude, and her boyfriend is totally a chick.
She and I established a long time ago that she is a dude. She appreciates a great set of tits as much as the next dude. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff. If something upsets her, she deals with it and moves on. Drops it. Never brings it up again. Total dude behavior. Chicks don’t drop stuff. They hold on to little petty things and bring them up days, months, even years later.
Anyway, you don’t need me to recite all the stereotypes. Everything that a comedian says is true of women are the things that are actually true of chicks. And the stuff comedians say are true of men, those are the the facts for dudes. But those gender stereotypes aren’t right. I’ve only ever dated women, but I’ve dated both chicks and dudes.
My high school girlfriend was a chick. She would get totally bent out of shape over the weirdest shit. Like one time when she and I and my sister went to the movies together. And she was upset because I seemed to like my sister more than her. What? She’s my sister! What the fuck is wrong with you? I was still young then and didn’t know anything. Now totally weird behavior like that from a chick wouldn’t phase me at all, because chicks are crazy. You just think, huh. Yeah. That’s crazy. And you move on.
Chicks can be fun, but they’re exhausting that way. Always going off the deep end for no apparent reason, then bouncing back and being totally rational. It makes great TV, I guess, but that’s not something I really need in my day to day life.
My friend T is really gaga over this chick she is dating, though. So now she’s got to deal with that. Judging by her rudderless reaction, I’m thinking that he may be the first chick she’s ever dated. So that’s tough. I suspect that’s the case for a lot of women. They’ve never dated a chick, so they have absolutely no idea how exhausting and unsettling it can be. If a chick dated a chick… man, I can’t even imagine that level of crazy.
My wife is not a chick. She is rational and almost never brings up weird random shit from the past. She never gets mad for no apparent reason. I really like that about her. It’s refreshing. If she’s mad at me, I probably did something really awful. And actually, she never gets mad at me, because I’m actually pretty awesome. So there’s that.
I suspect that most relationships are dude/chick, which explains why everyone seems to think fighting is a normal part of a relationship. My wife and I don’t fight. If either of us is upset about something, we write letters or text or talk it out. Whatever works. I’ve never had a relationship that involved fighting. The whole concept of fighting with someone you love just strikes me as bizarre.
I’m not judging. I’m not saying it’s bad or wrong or anything to fight. It’s just completely foreign to me. Fighting is really unpleasant to watch. My wife likes a TV show called “Parenthood” which consists mostly of grown couples fighting with each other. It’s painful to watch. Hey, American TV viewers, what the fuck is wrong with you? They wouldn’t put this stuff on TV if you didn’t reward them with stellar ratings.
It’s gotta be the chicks. Chicks be crazy.