Scrambled Eggs

There is a social convention that we should tell people we like the food they cook, even if we don’t. It’s pervasive, and it calls into question the whole natural selection theory. Could it really be sexually advantageous to train potential mates to prepare bad food? It’s kind of counterintuitive. But then, so is general relativity.

You seriously expect us to believe this nonsense? Next thing you'll be telling us E=MC²

You seriously expect us to believe this nonsense? Next thing you’ll be telling us E=MC². SMDH.

I mean, think about it. Here you have this patent examiner with a bad haircut who decides that the speed of light must be constant. So if you are moving really fast, time must slow down so that light emitted by you can’t go any faster than normal. Have you ever had any dealings with patent examiners? They are idiots. Why on earth would we believe this guy? The whole thing sounds completely crazy. However, if you wear a really accurate watch on a fast-moving airplane on a long flight, you will indeed be a second or two behind when you get where you are going. So he was right.

Just because something doesn’t make any sense,  it isn’t necessarily wrong. Let’s give this food thing a chance, and just assume that for some reason being polite is more important than having food you like. Because really, when it comes to sexual advantage, who wants to take any chances? Better safe than horny, I always say.

So I, and almost every other adult, live by this rule. If someone says, “how are the eggs?” you say “Great!” Even if they are awful. And that’s just the way things are. So you may make terrible eggs your whole life and you’ll just never know.

This is what all food critics look like.

This is what all food critics look like. (Except my son. He’s super adorable.)

Except. That select handful of people with a genetic defect or something that violate this rule. They will tell you if your eggs are bad. We call these people “food critics” and we don’t like them. We need them. We appreciate them. But we don’t like them. Kind of like lawyers.

My son is a food critic.

Like his dear old dad, he lacks any interest in the social graces. However, unlike his dear old dad, he hasn’t figured out the importance of sexual advantage and natural selection and stuff. (Which is good. He’s TEN.) So if you ask him how the food is, he’ll tell you the truth. And if you don’t ask him, he’ll probably tell you anyway. Much to the consternation of his mother.

My son says I make the best scrambled eggs. So unlike all of you, I actually have a high degree of confidence that I truly do make great scrambled eggs.

I tweeted that and somebody asked me to expand on it. So welcome to my kitchen; it’s recipe time.

My scrambled egg recipe is ridiculously simple. Many times, that’s the case with great recipes. However, you have to do it just exactly right or it won’t work. As is usually the case with great recipes. You need:

  • (1) Teflon-coated pan
  • (1) Spatula (the kind you can use with a teflon-coated pan)
  • (?) Eggs
  • (Some) Cream (or half and half, or milk, but preferably cream)

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of the pan. This does not work unless the pan is non-stick. This recipe works for an arbitrarily large number of eggs, as long as they fit in the pan. For two eggs, you want to use about the smallest amount of cream you can pour out of the carton. Like maybe half an ounce (one tablespoon). Scale it up from there if you add more eggs. If you are using milk instead of cream, use a little more. Accuracy in the proportions is not really all that important here. The really important part is how you cook them.

Mix the eggs and cream in a bowl with a fork. Just integrate everything, no need to whip or do anything fancy.

Start heating the pan. I use gas and turn it to medium. Wait a little bit, 20 seconds or so, so the pan is hot. Dump the eggs into the pan, and start scraping with the spatula. This is the key thing! You must never stop scraping the eggs until they are done. Do not let them sit for one second. You are constantly scraping them off the bottom, and off the sides of the pan. Constantly. Keep scraping. After a bit, you will see that some parts are still really wet, and other parts are looking ready. That’s when you start flipping stuff over. Also, chopping with the tip of the spatula is good. Scrape. Flip. Chop. Scrape. Flip. Chop.

When they look almost ready, turn off the heat and continue to scrape, flip, chop until they look perfect. Then get them out of the pan! Get them onto a plate, and cover them if you still have to make the bacon or whatever.

My son likes a little cheese on his eggs. We use that shredded “Mexican mix” you can get in a big bag. Sprinkle that over the top once it is on the plate, and cover it. The heat of the eggs will melt the cheese enough. Cooking the cheese into the eggs is silly. Don’t do that. Just put it on top at the end.

That’s it. The easiest scrambled egg recipe ever. And it makes the best scrambled eggs ever. I know this, because my food critic told me so.

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6 thoughts on “Scrambled Eggs

  1. Ooh, I don’t like to chop. Unless they cook too fast and you have to. The less chopping the better. I use the shredded Mexican cheese too, but I like some cooked in and a little extra on top. I will have to try that cream business. That sounds good.

  2. I use milk myself and I whisk before putting in the pan but otherwise very similar technique. Also sometime try sprinkling the cheese as noted and then stick the pan into the toaster oven for a few minutes. The eggs will kind of “rise” and get fluffy while the cheese melts.

  3. 🙂 I have frequently said I want to teach the world to make scrambled eggs. The liquid to egg ratio is important because eggs can only handle so much liquid, and it grosses me out if the “leftover” liquid runs out… very different from runny yolks. I love a runny yolk. Cream is the best liquid to use for scrambled eggs, I agree wholeheartedly with that.

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